Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Ahmadinejadian smile
It is my goal to be able to smile like Irianian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He exudes the easy going air of self-righteous confidence that can only come from knowing with 100% certainty that God is on his side, that his mission is sacred, and that in the end after the nukes go off, he’ll be sitting in heaven sipping wine with the virgins. It doesn’t matter what kind of crazy shit you believe in, with the right kind of smile the mindless sheep we call “the voting public” will follow you off a cliff.
Holbrook and the S.I.P have this kind of charisma, and we’re the first to admit that the extreme level of our All-American-Dreamboatness could be dangerous if used for the wrong purposes. Fortunately, we’ve enlisted policy wonks to help us develop a realistic campaign platform that will move Cincinnati forward and help the city pull its metaphorical head out of its metaphorical ass. Details on the platform are still in development, but it is likely to be based around empowering socially conscious entrepreneurs, promoting green/sustainable development, improving the health care system (a key issue for male nurse Holbrook), and removing bureacratic red tape and inefficiencies, because there’s nothing I hate more than soulless, government-fattened pencil pushers. I swear to God there is a conspiracy of people out there who create unnecessary work, require ridiculous forms, and complicate governmental processes while contributing nothing to society just so they can create jobs for their minions and feed their rapidly growing armies of bureacratic parasites. The S.I.P stands against these types of people, which could prove dangerous, as caged animals tend to get defensive when you threaten their jobs.
Anyway, if there are any other issues you feel we should consider adding to our campaign platform, be sure to let us know at any time. Rest assured, we won’t let our new foray into policy detract from our hair and smiles - we still understand that there are still the real keys to politics, and we’d like corporate America to know that we’re in the market for both a hair gel company and a teeth whitening product to serve as corporate sponsors.
In other news, someone on Myspace took issue with my recent post about the death of the esteemed and distinguished Reverend Falwell. This person sent me the following comment:
We all have our freedom of speech.
But there is also this thing called respect, especially for someone who has passed.
This one crossed the line for me.
See ya.
I thanked her for her comment, which is what you do in politics to appear polite, buy time, and lull your enemy’s defenses to sleep.
Now might I add: Yes, there is such a thing as respect. Speaking of which, Jerry Falwell took the good message of Jesus Christ and wiped his ass all over it by exploiting Christianity for financial and political gain.
And for that, he’s a hero in my book. So again, rest in peace, Jerry. Jesus caused your whale-sized blubber filled heart to give out because he loves you. Now you’ve joined him up in heaven, and all that I ask, Jerry, is that you please don’t drop any crumbs or spill any b-b-q sauce down on us from the 24 hour buffet table you’re feasting away at.
