http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/index/ en dave@unselfishproductions.com Copyright 2008 2008-09-10T01:16:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/who_the_hell_reads_this_thing_anyway/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/who_the_hell_reads_this_thing_anyway/#When:01:16:00Z So I’ve had this little blog here since the Cincinnati City Council election of 2007, hadn’t touched it for a year, it’s not really linked anywhere, haven’t promoted it, pretty much left it to die on the subdomain on the Cincinnati Beacon server, until i decided to resuscitate it last week.  Yet it keeps getting hits - around 42,000 now, about a thousand last week.  Just wondering, who the hell is reading this?  Pipe up, ya’ll. I’ve been following this election pretty closely, especially over the summer when there aren’t any real sports on - and don’t give me that “baseball is a real sport” crap.  I don’t want to hear it.  If baseball is a real sport, then so is croquet.  While I’m at it, apple pie isn’t that good.  I mean, it’s ok, but there are far better pies out there.  Also, communism is underrated.  Anyway, whatever happens this election, all 4 of these candidates will be an upgrade to our current situation.  Even though VPILF Candidate Palin is somewhat of a Bible-thumping theocrat, who, as shown in this video clip, believes that God wanted our government to decieve the public as well as many other branches of itself, in order to start an unnecessary war under false pretenses, costing about a hundred thousand lives (but who’s counting) and upwards of a trillion dollars.  Hell, the Lord works in mysterious ways.  Sarah is even making a bold political statement by sending over her own son to fight in God’s War.  If he gets shot, that’ll clinch the election for sure!  Take one for the team, Track!  God’s War.  The Muslims will love that.  If there’s one thing that will ramp up recruitment for Al Queda, it’s the belief that they’re fighting a holy war against an army of Crusading Christian Infidels.  Then it’s back to the Middle Ages.  Holy war, baby!  2008-09-10T01:16:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/untitled/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/untitled/#When:07:10:00Z Bush is a nepotite, and he probably doesn’t even know what that means.  Can’t wait to upgrade the President in 2008. That is all.  2008-09-08T07:10:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/preggers/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/preggers/#When:08:51:00Z A recent tidbit of news has inspired me to restart blogging after nearly a year hiatus.  The news was this:  Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin’s daughter is preggers.  Abstinence only education, effective as always.  Maybe if we say our prayers and wave American flags, teenagers won’t want to ravage each other like little Alaskan snow rabbits.  ‘Reality’ according to Republicans, always quaint.  Now would be a great time for a pregnant teenager joke:  How are pregant teenagers and lightbulbs the same? Both shatter when you drop them.  2008-09-03T08:51:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/an_open_letter_to_the_klu_klux_klan/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/an_open_letter_to_the_klu_klux_klan/#When:17:11:00Z Dear Grand Dragon Robb and the Ku Klux Klan Executive Staff, I’m writing to request that 7 incumbent members of Cincinnati City Council receive the honor and recognition they deserve for their work in furthering the mission of the KKK.  Council people John Cranley, Chris Bortz, Leslie Ghiz, Cecil Thomas, Chris Monzel, Jeff Berding and Laketa Cole all voted in favor of anti-marijuana ordinance CMC 910-23.  Through selective enforcement in pre-dominantly black urban areas, this law has resulted in arrests at a rate of six minorities for every white person, despite statistics showing similar rates of marijuana usage.  Especially deserving of commendation is Councilman Cecil Thomas, who has worked tirelessly to push this racially oppressive bill through the legislative process despite being black himself.  Cecil has unflinchingly defied both logic and crime statistics counter to his position to further your cause, and for this should be awarded the high honor of a Klan Trophy.  I thank you for your time and hope you will consider giving our city government the recognition it deserves. Sincerely, The Singing Press Secretary 2007-10-10T17:11:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/going_negative/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/going_negative/#When:19:12:01Z Last night (my birthday), I spent about two hours yelling at Holbrook.  My basic point was this: “What are you doing??!!  Stop your slacking and getcher ass out on the campaign trail. I don’t care if you have cancer, quit being such a pussy and get over it.  We’ve got a city council seat to win.” I’m not quite sure how I managed to stretch this 14 second diatribe out to two hours; probably a combination of swearing, threats , angry pacing, sarcastic mocking and my impersonation of Holbrook, the whiney little 12 year old girl with cancer.  As testamount to my great management skills, he got the point and agrees that he needs to get back to campaigning.  We plan to focus primarily on negative campaigning.  People tell me this strategy hasn’t worked in past local elections, but we’re here to rewrite the entire political rule book.  You see, we can slander and attack everyone, yet still maintain the moral high ground because Holbrook has a feaking brain tumor and can you imagine what that’s like?  Jesus, have some compassion.  2007-09-30T19:12:01-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/getting_past_the_denial_phase/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/getting_past_the_denial_phase/#When:17:17:00Z Last night it kind of donned on me that Holbrook has a brain tumor and we don’t really know what’s going on with it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve “known” this for a while, but it didn’t really sink in until last night.  It might have been because I was drinking like a frat boy on Date Rape Tuesday, or maybe because the last time I saw Holbrook he had to leave the party because he was getting dizzy and his vision was going blurry, or maybe a combination of these and other factors, which I don’t want to delve into any deeper because then I would have to start paying myself therapist fees.  Anyway, it struck me outside a karaoke bar last night, and then I couldn’t deal with people or karaoke anymore, so I started walking home and bumming cigarrettes off of every stranger I saw.  Not that I even smoke, but it seemed like the tragically romantic thing to do at the time (have you ever seen James Dean, leaning up against a wall and smoking?).  Besides, Holbrook makes cancer look so cool I think I want some for myself.  We had this text message exchange:  me:  Please tell me you’re ducking (sic) w/ me, u don’t have a tumor, its all a big joke, ha ha. (T-9 word mode on my cell phone denies the existance of the word “fucking,” preferring to only provide the word “ducking.” Thank you for keeping my language so clean and wholesome, Cell Phone T-9 Word Mode Programming Team!) Holbrook:  it would be nice to say that.  but at least its not herpes. me:  Dude, ppl w/ herpes ride bikes in the sunshine. While the doctor hasn’t put any weatherman style survival probabilities on Holbrook’s case, he did seem very positive, cheerful, and upbeat during their last checkup.  Maybe because Holbrook-a-mania is choke slamming cancer’s bitch ass.  Or maybe because the doctor had just bought a brand new Jaguar, and who cares about cancer when you get a car like that? 2007-09-16T17:17:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/great_news_from_the_campaign_front/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/great_news_from_the_campaign_front/#When:05:27:01Z You may have noticed the recent inactivity from the Holbrook Campaign and the Social Ironist Party.  This is because we’ve been busy perfecting our newest weapon.  You see, Holbrook has a brain tumor.  That’s right, a fucking brain tumor.  Not only will this help us to earn the sympathy vote in the upcoming election, it will also allow Holbrook to overshadow any issue brought up in debate.  Want to talk about zoning laws?  We don’t.  In the grander scheme of things they’re really quite irrelevent - maybe you should get some perspective on things, like by getting cancer.  It takes a sick and twisted person to exploit something like cancer for political purposes.  We are those people.  Somehow, Holbrook is keeping his sense of humor through all this.  I know I would be curled up in a little ball, weeping, sucking my thumb and wallowing in self-pity.  In fact, I think I’ll wallow in self pity just because I have a friend with cancer.  Poor me, I’m worrying about my friend with cancer - how do you think that makes ME feel?  Not good, I tell you, so why don’t you bake some lasagna or a casserole of your choosing and deliver it to my doorstep.  2007-09-12T05:27:01-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/naked_cowboy_reality_tv_episode_8_a_naked_candidate/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/naked_cowboy_reality_tv_episode_8_a_naked_candidate/#When:04:25:00Z Here’s a youtube video reliving fond memories of our NYC campaign trip, which is the place to campaign if you’re running for Cinci City Council.  Why the other candidates haven’t figured that out yet is beyond me.  Nevertheless, here is the video: By the way, The Naked Cowboy is actually coming home to Cincinnati this weekend - he and a band known as 2 Night Stand are playing a show together at the Blue Note in Price Hill on Saturday night, where they shall film more Naked Cowboy Reality TV.  2007-08-31T04:25:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/romance_911/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/romance_911/#When:22:53:00Z Check out this movie short featuring myself and Holbrook: ” /> 2007-08-18T22:53:00-05:00 http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/audit/ http://socialironist.cincinnatibeacon.com/index.php/site/audit/#When:08:15:00Z I’m getting audited.  That’s right, the latex-gloved hand of Cincinnati’s bureaucracy is going straight up my financial rectum.  The disrespect – and to think I gave them $15 last year!  As much as I’d like to say that I’m a high roller who isn’t broke, that our campaign is a fully-funded, well-oiled machine, and then challenge Bortz to a limo race, that isn’t the case.  Granted, I made most of my pitiful income in Oxford, where it’s safe from Cincinnati’s pencil pushers, though I’d have to say 2006 was a rebuilding year for me – moved to a new town, started a new company, new band, comedy career and who knows what else?  I’ve found that I have the habit of taking on “work” that doesn’t pay, or won’t pay in the foreseeable future, just because it interests me, or maybe I’ll learn something, or maybe something big can come out of it later, and why the fuck not?  Create a new political party and run a campaign for some snot-nosed 24 year old brat with no money?  - Sure!  Sounds like a great idea, Dave, that’ll pay your bills.  That and playing music all day, making movies, and doing free work for people just cus they’re nice and you believe in what they’re doing.  Don’t worry that they’re not paying you anything - the world runs on good thoughts, dreams and wishes, so spend your time doodling, or maybe learn a new instrument – how bout piano?  yeah Dave, become obsessed with piano, because that’ll solve your financial crises.  Now start a another new entertainment label that produces rap beats and creates mock, fictionalized pop star characters.  Seems like a fool-proof short term income stream to me!  So basically what we’re learning here is that I’m somewhat A.D.D with my career path, which is clearly the most all-American thing you can be and the reason I’ve pretty much ignored this campaign since I’ve been back from New York.  I’ve also been ignoring the campaign because I’m working on some other deals that are actually stopping me from going broke.  The way things are developing I should be able to continue to not go broke for a while now, until it comes to the time when I start getting filthy, filthy rich, at which point I’ll be able to purchase political offices.  I think this prospect makes some of the Powers that Be nervous, which might just be the reason they’ve decided to slap me with this financial colonoscopy.  Who’s behind it?  More on this conspiracy to come later?  2007-08-09T08:15:00-05:00