Sunday, April 08, 2007
Corporate Sponsors Needed!
Sorry to blog about money again, but it’s all that matters when it comes to politics. On second thought, perhaps this statement over simplifies things - politics are only 33% about money, while 33% is about suit and hair (a category in which Candidate Holbrook scores in the 99% percentile, by the way) and 33% about knowing how to kiss the asses of people with money. The other 1% of the key to political success is still a mystery, but whatever it is I’m sure Holbrook has it.
But back to the cash....
The Social Ironist Party is currently seeking corporate sponsorship for our campaign activities. Most succesful campaigns already have corporate sponsors - we’re just the firsts to be self-reflective about it -all while providing our sponsors with one hell of a marketing opportunity!
“But that’s illegal!” you say, after I put this thought in your head, “You’re violating campaign finance law B.107, article 4!”
Actually, thanks to some legal loopholes, this sponsorship opportunity is for real. You see, the Social Ironist Party is not a registered political entity. According to the Bureaucracy of the United States of America, the Social Ironist Party exists as the sole proprietorship of its creator, Dave Rothfuss. I, Dave, am legally allowed to accept corporate sponsorships, and I’ll do my best to sell Candidate Holbrook to the highest bidder. Sponsors, please don’t concern yourselves with possible adverse legal repercussions - we’ll always find loopholes to exploit to our advantage. For example, if need be we’ll endorse a mythical candidate named “Shawn Holbrook” for Cincinnati City Council, instead of legally registered candidate Sean Holbrook. We’ll put a smiling cartoon version of his face on cereal boxes and he’ll lead the children in a revolution – a revolution that involves eating our Sponsor Cereal. If Sean Holbrook happens to show up and give speeches at the Corporate Sponsored Fundraising Dinner Entertainment Extravaganza Events the Social Ironist Party puts on for “Shawn Holbrook”, it isn’t our fault. There’s nothing we could do to stop him.
Sponsoring the Social Ironist Party is a great guerilla PR/marketing opportunity for companies with a streak of renegade in them. We don’t expect companies like Proctor & Gamble or Bank of America to jump on board, as they clearly don’t have the balls, but things like booze and energy drinks would make perfect “campaign fuel” for the Social Ironist Party. Campaign events, meanwhile, would make the perfect opportunity to showcase the fine products of the Hustler Store. Cigarettes would also be a nice fit. As of right now I don’t smoke, but if a tobacco company wants to sponsor me, you can bet your ass I’ll start lighting them up, and I’ll teach all the children to do it too. You see, we realize how important our sponsors are to making our campaign activities possible, so we’ll work our hardest to serve YOU! (Our sponsors, that is -we all know politics have nothing to do with serving the American people, and this is the statement you’ll be making, oh Courageous Sponsor!) We’ll do our best to shamelessly promote your brand through our street teaming and multi-pronged, multi-media publicity campaign. Once you sponsor us, we’ll make sure EVERYONE knows that our corporate sponsors make the American Dreamscape shinier!!!! And it will be true, because our fundraising dinner campaign events will benefit charities, allowing our sponsors to take the moral high-ground over their non-sponsoring competitors. Compared to our sponsors, our non-sponsors are in effect thumbing their noses at charities and saying “Go fuck yourselves, you stupid, stupid charities. We’re too busy being a bunch of abortionists to care about you!” Our angelic sponsors, meanwhile, will be a part of the solution through their support of a very worthy cause.
So for everyone reading this, I offer you this: get a company to sponsor the Social Ironist Party, and I’ll give you 20% commission. I know it’s kind of a random shot in the dark, but I’m just throwing it out there, cuz hell, maybe some of you know the right people.
Be sure to link our blog, in hopes that it will reach potential corporate sponsors who will see it and fork over their money. Also link us in the hope that Ann Coulter will one day find us and come over to my apartment where she’ll climb into the sex-swing with me, The Singing Press Secretary.
