The S.I.P Platform, revised
Now that we’ve made it big, with front page coverage at media powerhouse The Cincinnati Beacon, it’s probably a good time to clear up exactly what it is we stand for, for both our loyal followers and for those of you who are too stupid to get our humor.
I bring you the The Social Ironist Party Platform, revised from it’s original posting 2 months ago.
The S.I.P
No one embodies the current American political climate like the Social Ironist Party. Elections are about anything but the issues, which works out great for us, because we have good hair, and we speak in highly poetic sounding metaphors. The media wants to report on gaffes and sex scandals, so we’ll give it to them. In fact, our campaigns will be based on gaffes and sex scandals. The Social Ironist Party recognizes elections for what they are: ridiculous circuses. We deal with them accordingly.
Phonetically speaking, Ideologies begin by addressing their followers (idiots.) Are you a Liberal? A Conservative? Stop. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. With partisan-hack talking bobble-head dolls on both sides mindlessly flapping their jaws and twisting the facts so their little political football teams can win, who can you even trust anymore? The answer, of course, is the Social Ironist Party. Everything we do and say is honest, because I’m telling you right here that it isn’t, which thereby makes it true in a circularly-logical, meta-reflective sense. I told you we embody the current American political climate.
Why the Pony???
Republicans, the party of cash and Jesus, are symbolized by an elephant. The Democrats, who push pencils and create non-binding resolutions, have a donkey. No one really knows what either animal represents.
The Social Ironist Party refuses to make the same mistake: our party animal is the pony, because ponies are the most beautiful, pure, and innocent creature on God’s otherwise dreary and mistake filled earth. Ponies symbolize the fact that America is essentially a nation of 12 year old girls.
“But”, you say, “I’m a 40 year old construction worker!”
We’re sure that you are. That’s your right as an American. Still, that doesn’t make you any less of a 12 year old girl. Perhaps it isn’t an actual, physical pony that you want (we’re using symbolism here, remember?) - maybe it’s a boat, or new shoes, or rims for your pickup truck, or a 6 carat diamond ring. The point is that you’ll work a job you hate just so you can afford it, and when you finally do get your pony it will chew up your lawn and kick you in the head. You’ll spend your time cleaning up pony poop and you’ll spend your money on oats and horseshoes and a brand new stable. Where was Daddy to tell you, “No, you’re not getting that pony.”?
Perhaps you don’t yet realize that you’re spiritually and emotionally a 12 year-old girl. This is because you have the self-reflective abilities of a 12 year-old girl. Enjoy your ponies.
7 Pillars of the Social Ironist Platform:
The Social Ironist Party shall be much, much hornier than any other political party. You only wish you could attend our National Convention. Because politics is an art form filled with money grubbing whores, we shall be the biggest, dirtiest, greediest money grubbing whores of all time, which is ok because we’re ironically self-reflective about it.
We shall make the American Dreamscape shinier, but more importantly we shall talk about making the American Dreamscape shinier. Our satire is guided by an underlying sense of morality. While politics may be a total joke, the issues that face our communities are not. That’s why we make friends with wonks who actually understand public policy, despite lacking “political” skills, like wearing nice suits, sucking up to people with money, spouting out cheesy metaphor-lies that embody the American Spirit and make us all feel good about ourselves, etc. Thusly, we will bring about realistic solutions that make the American Dreamscape shinier.
We shall speak in highly poetic language, and verbally vanquish all who oppose us, all while wearing nice suits and having good hair, or at least a straw hat and aviator glasses.
We shall be Creators of Truth, running the most entertaining, creative, guerilla-cowboy campaigns in the history of the entire universe.
The S.I.P shall give rise to an army of pundits who will type and shout sayings and words and slogans at the top of their lungs and keyboards. What they say does not matter, as long as they drown out all the other pundits who also don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.
We shall shamelessly promote and advertise things including but not limited to: our corporate sponsors, ourselves, our campaign entertainment extravaganza fundraising dinner events, and Dave’s band, 2 Night Stand (http://www.2nightstandband.com) because he created this party and therefore gets to use it for self-serving purposes. Also, we shall elevate Holbrook to the status of a demi-god, because what’s the point in running for public office if people don’t worship you? Later, there’s a good chance we’ll ask you to join our cult. When this day comes, just join and don’t ask any questions. God hates people who ask questions.
We shall have 7 pillars, because the number 7 represents good luck and now that we have that we’ll win the election for sure.
