Spin from the Press Secretary
I see Candidate Holbrook’s new Zoloft prescription working out for us in 2 possible ways.
1). Zoloft sponsors the campaign, and Holbrook starts taking his medicine like a good boy. He becomes a shining example of the hope that the pharmaceutical industry provides to all Americans, especially when we let it do whatever it wants without government regulations. In this scenario, the drug companies would also inspire us all to overcome adversity and achieve our dreams, and we’d talk about it at every stump speech.
2). The Church of Scientology sponsors us, and Holbrook doesn’t take his medicine. Instead he decides to burn it in a public display of protest against the evil mind-control manipulations of the psychiatrists and the pharmaceutical industry.
Let the bidding war begin, Big Medicine and wealthy Cult of Scientology! Sure, our society is basically a reenactment of Xenu the alien tyrant’s Galactic Confederacy, which ruled much of the galaxy for eighty trillion years! Whatever! Just write the check.
Whatever scenario we end up going with, I assure you that Candidate Holbrook is a great hero that all Americans should look up to. If Sean Holbrook starts smoking cigarretes, your kids should too - that’s just how shit works with heroes - you do what they do because they’re better than you, and you hope to become their equals. Not to say Holbrook is better than you, because he totally has the common touch - you should see his work boots! All I’m trying to say is that Sean Holbrook is an All-American hero. Which reminds me: The Social Ironist Party is calling on war veterans to please donate their purple hearts, silver stars, and any other military decorations to the campaign so we can pin them to Candidate Holbrook’s chest and take photographs for the voting public.
That’s all for now, I’d better get back to watching the Buckeyes and drinking beer, I mean running a campaign out of my sense of duty to my country and Cincinnati.
