I’m cooler than the Dean!
I just got a bid from Cincinnati’s coolest political frat, the Charter Party! They cashed my $25 check, which means I’m in!!!!!! I intend to get my money’s worth; a full on S.I.P takeover may be in order. We encourage all freaks, miscreants and weird fuckers to also join the Charter Party - simply drop off a $25 check to their office at 811 Race St.
I will continue to lobby on behalf of The Dean, our kindly blog host, even though he still hasn’t put up my Google ad words or my online merchandise shop (buy your S.I.P Pony thongs here, ladies! www.cafepress.com/socialironist ), causing me to miss out on revenue generating opportunities as we speak. You see, when the Dean applied for Charter Fraternity membership, they decided he wasn’t cool enough so they dinged him. I’m going to get the Dean in, because helping the less cool is something I do as a part of my charity work, which is going to get me a higher seat in heaven than all you fuckers.
Like most Greek organizations, I assume that Charter will appreciate it when we show up at their office with our guitars and video crew to serenade them. I’ll admit I’m a bit worried about pledging - Jeff Cramerding is their pledge instructor, and with a name like that you’ll never what kind of twisted hazing rituals he has up his sleaves. God I hope they don’t make me go down into their top secret basement to undergo a series of trials, which they call the Carmerdamner, or maybe the Cramerdammerdingdanginator.
You’ll never know what’s going on in there unless you’re in- Charter has some a secretive tendencies, despite their core mission of promoting open, honest, and transparent government. That’s the center of the little tif they have going with The Dean.
As a branding and marketing guy, allow me to make a few suggestions to my friends at Charter to help get them through their current image problems:
1: Revise your Mission Statement - We all know that ideals like “open and honest government” are ridiculous and unobtainable. Let’s shoot for something more releastic here, like “we will hold meetings and hit the desk with our little wooden gavel” or “we will properly address and stamp our fundraising request letters.”
2: Rename “the Charter Party” to “the Nihilism Party” - you don’t have to worry about contradicting all your beliefs if you don’t have any.
3: Stock up on some Nice & Soft Kroeger Brand toilet paper, instead of wiping your asses with your own mission statement.
