Friday, April 06, 2007
Cash, Bitches
In April of 2008, when Councilman Holbrook throws the first pitch on opening day, it will be a 117 mph curveball strike right down the center of the plate. The crowd will go wild, the children will dance in the streets and the Reds will offer Sean a 17 year contract with a $39 million signing bonus. Sean will turn them down because of his sense of duty to the city of Cincinnati, which he’ll be servicing like it’s a campaign groupie. Also, Sean will turn down the contract because he won’t need the money, since he’ll already be filthy rich from his career in politics.
It’s a great business to be in these days. The money is pouring in - something like $26 million to Clinton, $25 million to Obama already. The media knows it’s all about the money, too – thank God they spend their time focusing on the fundraising numbers instead of boring crap like policy and issues. The same can be said of the politicians.
Americans need to start donating tons of cash to the Holbrook campaign so the media will take us seriously and give us the coverage we deserve. I know times are tight, but honestly, get over yourself, start thinking about the greater good and fork over the cash. You can always take out a second mortgage.
A few people I’ve met out on the campaign trail have been asking me what this movement is all about. What is it, exactly, that we stand for? I think that can best be expressed by this doodle:
I drew it in a notebook during an English class back in the day, cut it out along with some words, scanned it, clicked mirror and color inverse in photoshop and Whamo! – some of the greatest fucking art you’ve ever had the privilege to lay your eyes on. Upon closer inspection, you’ll find the solution to all of our problems. If you don’t understand how, I’m sure as hell not going to explain it to you.
I’m glad I could clarify our campaign positions, and I look forward to taking your cash.
