I’ve been following this election pretty closely, especially over the summer when there aren’t any real sports on - and don’t give me that “baseball is a real sport” crap.  I don’t want to hear it.  If baseball is a real sport, then so is croquet.  While I’m at it, apple pie isn’t that good.  I mean, it’s ok, but there are far better pies out there.  Also, communism is underrated. 

Anyway, whatever happens this election, all 4 of these candidates will be an upgrade to our current situation.  Even though VPILF Candidate Palin is somewhat of a Bible-thumping theocrat, who, as shown in this video clip, believes that God wanted our government to decieve the public as well as many other branches of itself, in order to start an unnecessary war under false pretenses, costing about a hundred thousand lives (but who’s counting) and upwards of a trillion dollars. 

Hell, the Lord works in mysterious ways.  Sarah is even making a bold political statement by sending over her own son to fight in God’s War.  If he gets shot, that’ll clinch the election for sure!  Take one for the team, Track! 

God’s War.  The Muslims will love that.  If there’s one thing that will ramp up recruitment for Al Queda, it’s the belief that they’re fighting a holy war against an army of Crusading Christian Infidels.  Then it’s back to the Middle Ages.  Holy war, baby! 

Can’t wait to upgrade the President in 2008.

That is all. 

The news was this:  Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin’s daughter is preggers. 

Abstinence only education, effective as always.  Maybe if we say our prayers and wave American flags, teenagers won’t want to ravage each other like little Alaskan snow rabbits.  ‘Reality’ according to Republicans, always quaint. 

Now would be a great time for a pregnant teenager joke: 

How are pregant teenagers and lightbulbs the same?

Both shatter when you drop them. 

I’m writing to request that 7 incumbent members of Cincinnati City Council receive the honor and recognition they deserve for their work in furthering the mission of the KKK.  Council people John Cranley, Chris Bortz, Leslie Ghiz, Cecil Thomas, Chris Monzel, Jeff Berding and Laketa Cole all voted in favor of anti-marijuana ordinance CMC 910-23.  Through selective enforcement in pre-dominantly black urban areas, this law has resulted in arrests at a rate of six minorities for every white person, despite statistics showing similar rates of marijuana usage. 

Especially deserving of commendation is Councilman Cecil Thomas, who has worked tirelessly to push this racially oppressive bill through the legislative process despite being black himself.  Cecil has unflinchingly defied both logic and crime statistics counter to his position to further your cause, and for this should be awarded the high honor of a Klan Trophy. 

I thank you for your time and hope you will consider giving our city government the recognition it deserves.

Sincerely,
The Singing Press Secretary

We plan to focus primarily on negative campaigning.  People tell me this strategy hasn’t worked in past local elections, but we’re here to rewrite the entire political rule book.  You see, we can slander and attack everyone, yet still maintain the moral high ground because Holbrook has a feaking brain tumor and can you imagine what that’s like?  Jesus, have some compassion. 

Anyway, it struck me outside a karaoke bar last night, and then I couldn’t deal with people or karaoke anymore, so I started walking home and bumming cigarrettes off of every stranger I saw.  Not that I even smoke, but it seemed like the tragically romantic thing to do at the time (have you ever seen James Dean, leaning up against a wall and smoking?).  Besides, Holbrook makes cancer look so cool I think I want some for myself. 

We had this text message exchange: 

me:  Please tell me you’re ducking (sic) w/ me, u don’t have a tumor, its all a big joke, ha ha. (T-9 word mode on my cell phone denies the existance of the word “fucking,” preferring to only provide the word “ducking.” Thank you for keeping my language so clean and wholesome, Cell Phone T-9 Word Mode Programming Team!)

Holbrook:  it would be nice to say that.  but at least its not herpes.

me:  Dude, ppl w/ herpes ride bikes in the sunshine.

While the doctor hasn’t put any weatherman style survival probabilities on Holbrook’s case, he did seem very positive, cheerful, and upbeat during their last checkup.  Maybe because Holbrook-a-mania is choke slamming cancer’s bitch ass.  Or maybe because the doctor had just bought a brand new Jaguar, and who cares about cancer when you get a car like that?

Not only will this help us to earn the sympathy vote in the upcoming election, it will also allow Holbrook to overshadow any issue brought up in debate.  Want to talk about zoning laws?  We don’t.  In the grander scheme of things they’re really quite irrelevent - maybe you should get some perspective on things, like by getting cancer. 

It takes a sick and twisted person to exploit something like cancer for political purposes.  We are those people. 

Somehow, Holbrook is keeping his sense of humor through all this.  I know I would be curled up in a little ball, weeping, sucking my thumb and wallowing in self-pity.  In fact, I think I’ll wallow in self pity just because I have a friend with cancer.  Poor me, I’m worrying about my friend with cancer - how do you think that makes ME feel?  Not good, I tell you, so why don’t you bake some lasagna or a casserole of your choosing and deliver it to my doorstep. 

By the way, The Naked Cowboy is actually coming home to Cincinnati this weekend - he and a band known as 2 Night Stand are playing a show together at the Blue Note in Price Hill on Saturday night, where they shall film more Naked Cowboy Reality TV. 

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As much as I’d like to say that I’m a high roller who isn’t broke, that our campaign is a fully-funded, well-oiled machine, and then challenge Bortz to a limo race, that isn’t the case. 

Granted, I made most of my pitiful income in Oxford, where it’s safe from Cincinnati’s pencil pushers, though I’d have to say 2006 was a rebuilding year for me – moved to a new town, started a new company, new band, comedy career and who knows what else?  I’ve found that I have the habit of taking on “work” that doesn’t pay, or won’t pay in the foreseeable future, just because it interests me, or maybe I’ll learn something, or maybe something big can come out of it later, and why the fuck not? 

Create a new political party and run a campaign for some snot-nosed 24 year old brat with no money?  - Sure!  Sounds like a great idea, Dave, that’ll pay your bills.  That and playing music all day, making movies, and doing free work for people just cus they’re nice and you believe in what they’re doing.  Don’t worry that they’re not paying you anything - the world runs on good thoughts, dreams and wishes, so spend your time doodling, or maybe learn a new instrument – how bout piano?  yeah Dave, become obsessed with piano, because that’ll solve your financial crises.  Now start a another new entertainment label that produces rap beats and creates mock, fictionalized pop star characters.  Seems like a fool-proof short term income stream to me! 

So basically what we’re learning here is that I’m somewhat A.D.D with my career path, which is clearly the most all-American thing you can be and the reason I’ve pretty much ignored this campaign since I’ve been back from New York.  I’ve also been ignoring the campaign because I’m working on some other deals that are actually stopping me from going broke.  The way things are developing I should be able to continue to not go broke for a while now, until it comes to the time when I start getting filthy, filthy rich, at which point I’ll be able to purchase political offices.  I think this prospect makes some of the Powers that Be nervous, which might just be the reason they’ve decided to slap me with this financial colonoscopy. 

Who’s behind it?  More on this conspiracy to come later? 

Our trip turned out pretty sweet.  Thousands of people were exposed to the enigma that is the Naked Candidate and the S.I.P - some found us hilarious, others were shocked or didn’t know what to think, and only a few people got angry.  Tons of strangers took pictures of us, or shot video.  Some people gave us money, although we’re still trailing Bortz in fundraising. 

For the first 2 nights, we stayed at the Royal Motel, former home of Nakd Cowboy before he moved in with his girlfriend.  Naked turned out to be a gracious and generous host/tour guide.  He’d pick us up in the mornings and drive us to the city.  After the day of campaigning in Times Square (Holbrook in his underwear, myself with the guitar, hat and sunglasses) he’d take us out for his standard meal of chicken and brocolli.  At all times the Naked Cowboy has a streaming web cam with him, broadcasting live at http://www.nakedcowboy.tv - you can find us in the archives, for example, at 11:24 am on July 16. We may just have to set up a Candidate Cam on Holbrook as we run the most open and honest campaign the world has ever seen.  We also got some footage shot by Naked’s videographer Ron Israel - we’ve got some editing to do but we’ll have it up before too long. 

The trip and the Naked Cowboy has inspired Holbrook, who is now in training to become the ultimate Naked Candidate.  The Candidator is hitting the gym and reading political linguistic theory, so we can turn the rhetoric of politics on its head.  I’m happy to announce that the S.I.P. is now both pro-life and pro-choice, and there is no contradiction what-so-ever in saying that. 

Since the trip, Holbrook and I made appearances in a short film, which will be premiering at the Carnegie this Saturday starting at 8:30 http://www.thecarnegie.com/ for tickets)
Also, you might want to watch the Tonight Show tonight, there may or may not be something of interest.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact:
Sean Holbrook
http://www.voteseanholbrook.com

“The Naked Candidate” Hits NYC, Appeals for International Support

Accompanied by a video crew, The Naked Cowboy and a guitar strumming press secretary, Social Ironist Party candidate Sean “The Naked Candidate” Holbrook is taking his political campaign to the streets New York City from July 14-16. His attire: tighty-whities, dress shoes and a tie - because politicians simply must wear ties if they wish to be seen as legitimate candidates by the voting public.

Sean’s outfit is meant to symbolize our need for openness and transparency in government, while paying tribute to American Icon and fellow S.I.P member The Naked Cowboy. Near-nakedness is also a necessity for a non-bankrolled campaign to get any kind of attention in our current political landscape, which is almost entirely based around the fundraising process. As the ultimate embodiment of modern America, the S.I.P has recently embraced the joys of fundraising. The campaign website, http://www.voteseanholbrook.com, has 20+ fundraising buttons, encouraging visitors to “donate,” “contribute,” “support,” “donate contributions,” “contribute financially,” “support the campaign with financial donations,” and “make a donation, financially speaking,” among other things. “It’s not about how we word it,” said party founder Dave Rothfuss, “the important thing is that you loosen the old purse strings and fork over your hard earned campaign contributions.”

While the Social Ironist Party is using humor and some off-the-wall campaign tactics, it’s also situating itself as driving force for reform. The upstart organization is partnering with socially-conscious entrepreneurs and experts in sustainable green development to bring new solutions to the table. The S.I.P’s goofiness goes back to individual freedom and self-expression. “Innovation comes from embracing all that is different – new ideas and creative solutions come about by looking at things from multiple perspectives,” said Rothfuss, “Too often we see governments filled with people who look and think the same, resulting in disastrous cases of group-think. The S.I.P is about embracing our inner weirdness and letting it shine for all to see”

So, you ask, what exactly is The Naked Candidate running for? That would be Cincinnati City Council. Campaigning in New York? Absolutely. “This campaign is about more than just earning a plush leather city council seat, although they do look comfortable,” said Holbrook, “it’s about turning Cincinnati into a shining example of the spectacle modern politics have become, for the world to witness on Youtube.”

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Beat that for patriotism, Anyone Else In Politics. 

In fact, I’m so patriotic I think we should march through other countries, wave our flags of red white and blue and feed the natives hotdogs until they agree to love us and repeat our pledge of allegiance.  Then they’ll also start praying to their Gods to bless America. 

In all seriousness though, while the American Dreamscape is among the shiniest the world has ever seen, the current American Dream is unsustainable.  We must all fundamentally change the way we think, consume, govern, develop and function as a society if we’re going to save it.  I think we can do it though, because we humans have a knack for innovating – well some of us do.  Others have a knack for upholding a status quo that works out comfortably and profitably for themselves, even if it impedes upon both progress and other peoples’ peace.  These people need to get out of the way and keep their fucking mouths shut, and the Social Ironist Party is here to help them do that. 

America, please note that innovation and creativity come from looking at the world from multiple perspectives and through multiple lenses, from combining things in new ways, and from a willingness to embrace things that are different.  The Social Ironist Party is here to teach America that, while creating a shinier and more sustainable American Dream. 

In other news, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce my newest initiative.  Being that it is my goal to produce as much art as possible as efficiently and effectively as possible and sell it for as much money as possible while playing shady and manipulative pr and marketing games to artificially inflate its value, I hereby announce the start of my collaborative art project.  With this, I’m basically reaching out to two types of people: 1) artists who can co-produce quality pieces of art with the above goals for a 50-50 split of the proceeds, and 2) celebrities/marketing geniuses, who even if they only have enough talent to draw stick figures or maybe get drunk and piss on a piece of canvas while I do all the work, have the fame/marketing ability to still move product.  Both types of people, and any combinations, please be in touch. 

Anyway, Happy Birthday America.  Here is a bithday card from me, although for some reason the internets take away some its scan quality:

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The plan was for Sean, as a disciple and close ally of NYC and international entertainment legend The Naked Cowboy, to give a speech about the need for transparency and openess in government, while wearing nothing but tighty-whities.  And a tie of course, because politicians must wear ties in order to be socially acceptable.  If you can’t catch the obvious symbolism between our message and attire, please take this moment to punch yourself in the head, because you’re an idiot.  Also, don’t have any children, because they will also be idiots.  Here is the speech Sean was going to give:

I appreciate the opportunity to address you here today. Honest and open government is the key to healing our ailing and fragile democracy. My name is Sean Holbrook and I have come here today to lead by example in a time of fear, secrecy and unnecessary illusions. Let us be honest about who we are, where we stand, who stands with us, behind us, to the left of us, to the right of us, above us and below us.

It’s time for bold leadership, family values and a bright new vision.  This council is to too afraid of airing our cities dirty laundary in public and exposing our naked truths. Democracy isn’t pretty all the time, in fact as we’ve often seen, sometimes it’s downright ugly and uncomfortable. I know it can be very hard for you, because full transparency often means things can get heated, and they do get sticky from time to time.

Democracy is not a participatory sport. Sometimes we have to roll up our citizen sleeves and get down to some serious business without being afraid of getting our hands dirty. We must come together as one to fight the special interests. Some politicians are too quick to jump in bed with special interests and leave our citizens out in the cold. Instead of the old cold shoulder, our city council should reach out with warm hands, big hearts, passion and love. Instead of being intoxicated on power and wine, let the joys of justice roll down from on high and let our city government become a bright and shiny Beacon for all the world to behold.

We need a council candidate that’s more than just good hair and a great smile – not to say that I don’t have these things, because clearly I do – but we need a candidate who will make a stand. When it comes to fighting for Cincinnati, I’m not afraid to put my ass on the line. I’m Sean Holbrook and I approve of this hot and sexy message. 

Ironically, the speech about open and transparent government was shut down, playing perfectly into the statement we were trying to make.  I think it’s now safe to officially say that the Cincinnati political arena consists of a series of secretive and closed off little frats, which work for the good of their frat and those who fund it, all while battling the other little frats and hazing everyone who tries to get in.  In the meantime, our city gets fucked.  So it goes. 

Soon, The Naked Candidate and the Social Ironist Party are headed to New York City, to campaign with the Naked Cowboy and appeal to the world for the international support and donations we need to rescue this city.  Future Councilman Holbrook and our vast network of socially-conscious entrepreneurs and creative innovators will bring in energy, ideas, passion and a new way of thinking, so Cincinnati can truely become a shining beacon on a hill for all to look up at. 

Between the beer-bongs of tequila and the lines of coke off the dead hooker, fellow musician Justin Jeffres and I shared a fun-filled trip down memory lane.  About 6 years ago, while I was a 19-year old snot-nosed brat at Miami University, I ran into Justin at a late night party.  He was a big deal there.  The people were kissing his ass - I hope he’ll carry those talents for collecting ass kissings into his new career in politics.  I on the other hand, proceeded to tell Justin my honest opinion about In Sync.  Or 98 Degrees.  Whatever, same thing.  It was my opinion, at the time, and I say at the time because I can always change my current opinion should 98 Degrees decide to re-form and include myself as a 5th member, but it was my opinion at the time that 98 Degrees had sold their souls to MTV, had no artistic integrity and that they would get charged with statutory rape every time they slept with one of their fans.  Then Justin and I compared how many records we’d sold, and he won by 9 million.  Perhaps some of my old idealism has since been overgrown by cynicism (as is the natural course for idealism in a realistic world), but now I just wanna sell out.  Who’s buying? 

Other than that, I met some cool people, including a few good council candidates whose names I won’t mention until they pay me for advertising, and a leader in sustainable/green development, which happens to be one of my pet issues.  I look forward to working with all my new friends toward our common goals, and fighting with them when it’s needed to garner media attention.