The Social Ironist Party

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Mike Revelee Trains for Mayor

Training for Mayor

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It’s official Mike Revelee has decided to run for Mayor of Cincinnati in the near future.

The pitch seen round the world

This is the perfect example of how bad politics have become.

I have actually heard some people state that they would not vote for Mayor Mallory because of this incident.
Ok, maybe it was a horrible throw that made me question if the Mayor had gotten into the “HUUUGGGGEEE” amount of drugs that 910-23 has brought in, but to judge your vote on a bad pitch is pretty ridiculous.

Im not saying if I am voting for Mayor Mallory or not, because I honestly have not made my mind up yet. I am hoping that Mike Revelee ends up running like he has been threatening to do.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Spin from the Press Secretary

I see Candidate Holbrook’s new Zoloft prescription working out for us in 2 possible ways. 

1).  Zoloft sponsors the campaign, and Holbrook starts taking his medicine like a good boy.  He becomes a shining example of the hope that the pharmaceutical industry provides to all Americans, especially when we let it do whatever it wants without government regulations.  In this scenario, the drug companies would also inspire us all to overcome adversity and achieve our dreams, and we’d talk about it at every stump speech. 

2).  The Church of Scientology sponsors us, and Holbrook doesn’t take his medicine.  Instead he decides to burn it in a public display of protest against the evil mind-control manipulations of the psychiatrists and the pharmaceutical industry. 

Let the bidding war begin, Big Medicine and wealthy Cult of Scientology!  Sure, our society is basically a reenactment of Xenu the alien tyrant’s Galactic Confederacy, which ruled much of the galaxy for eighty trillion years!  Whatever!  Just write the check.

Whatever scenario we end up going with, I assure you that Candidate Holbrook is a great hero that all Americans should look up to.  If Sean Holbrook starts smoking cigarretes, your kids should too - that’s just how shit works with heroes - you do what they do because they’re better than you, and you hope to become their equals.  Not to say Holbrook is better than you, because he totally has the common touch - you should see his work boots!  All I’m trying to say is that Sean Holbrook is an All-American hero.  Which reminds me: The Social Ironist Party is calling on war veterans to please donate their purple hearts, silver stars, and any other military decorations to the campaign so we can pin them to Candidate Holbrook’s chest and take photographs for the voting public.

That’s all for now, I’d better get back to watching the Buckeyes and drinking beer, I mean running a campaign out of my sense of duty to my country and Cincinnati. 

Confessions of candidate

It is 2AM on Monday morning, and I have decided to write a little something down on here. At first I figured The Dean was pulling a cruel joke by releasing our blog on April’s 1st, as his April fool’s joke to the world, only to remove it before the 2nd. Now that we have made it past the April 1st mark, I’ll loosen up and rant a little bit.

I just watched the video file from the, CMC 910-23 meeting where The Singing Press Secretary and myself both briefly spoke to the City Council. I found it funny that they let Dave speak in a straw hat and sunglasses, and am now wondering what kind of dress code there really is to address the council. I think this thought could turn into a nice future experiment, because really what does your outfit have to do with the ideas you want to express. Would it cheapen my words if I dressed as Super Mario to explain my feelings on an ordinance? Well there is only one way to find out.

My doctor prescribed me Zoloft this week, I havent taken it yet and am still thinking about it. Im not depressed in anyway, but occasionally do have bouts of insomnia and anxiety. I guess it will help, I have been having trouble sleeping for years and find it odd to think that a little pill is really going to solve my problems. To be honestly my sleep was alright, until a couple of months ago when I found out my “girlfriend” had another boyfriend and was playing both of us. It’s not that I sit up at night thinking about the situation and boo hoo’ing my little eyes out, but i guess that situation just got me thinking about a lot of the things going on in my life and the other unhealthy bullshit I would be better off without. I might just go ahead and take the Zoloft, if nothing else I can always play the sympathy route with chicks, or even better I could fake depressed, become ultra “artsy” and start hanging out at Sitwells and smoking two packs of clove cigarettes a day.

Today I went to a BBQ at a UC frat and was surprised to find out that a number of the guys want to sport campaign shirts and want to hang up some signs on their house. I have been lucky in the fact that most people have been receptive to the idea of this uphill campaign, now that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been a fair share of nay-sayers, but most people have been really receptive and helpful. When the idea of running for Council first started as a half-joke, even I didn’t believe it was a possibility, but as time goes on my confidence grows by the day. Without crossing the line of arrogance, I find myself asking, “why not?”

What do these guys have that I don’t? Money?  Fuck money. What these arrogant puppets don’t realize is that money can also be used against a person. A larger number of Cincinnati voters belong to the “have-nots” rather than the “haves” and I am sure some bitterness can be rattled in the “have-nots” against those who have helped keep them down. Money may buy a lot of stuff, but it doesn’t make you a good person, and I plan to bring these demi-gods down to my level.

Well I am off to bed. Have a great night Cincinnati.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

technorati

Social Ironist Party

The Social Ironist Party

No one embodies the current American political climate like the Social Ironist Party.  Elections are about anything but the issues, which works out great for us, because we have good hair, and we speak in highly poetic sounding metaphors.  The media wants to report on gaffes and sex scandals, so we’ll give it to them.  In fact, our campaigns will be based on gaffes and sex scandals.  The Social Ironist Party realizes that elections are ridiculous circuses, so we deal with them as such. 

Phonetically speaking, Ideologies begin by addressing their followers (idiots.) Are you a Liberal?  A Conservative?  Stop.  You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.  With partisan-hack talking bobble-head dolls on both sides mindlessly flapping their jaws and twisting the facts so their little political football teams can win, who can you even trust anymore?  The answer, of course, is the Social Ironist Party.  Everything we do and say is honest, because I’m telling you right here that it isn’t, which thereby makes it true in a circularly-logical, meta-reflective sense.  I told you we embody the current American political climate. 

Why the Pony???

Republicans, the party of cash and Jesus, are symbolized by an elephant.  The Democrats, who push pencils and create non-binding resolutions, have a donkey.  No one really knows what either animal means. 

The Social Ironist Party refuses to make the same mistake: our party animal is the pony, because ponies are the most beautiful, pure, and innocent creature on God’s otherwise dreary and mistake filled earth.  Ponies symbolize the fact that America is essentially a nation of 12 year old girls. 

“But”, you say, “I’m a 40 year old construction worker!”

We’re sure that you are.  That’s your right as an American.  However, this doesn’t make you any less of a 12 year old girl who wants a pony.  Maybe it isn’t an actual, physical pony that you want (we’re using symbolism here, remember?) - perhaps it’s a boat, or new rims for your pickup truck, or a 6 carat diamond ring.  The point is that you’ll work a job you hate just so you can afford it, and when you finally do get it, your pony will chew up your lawn and kick you in the head.  You’ll spend your time cleaning up pony poop and you’ll spend your money on oats and horseshoes and a brand new stable.  Where was Daddy to tell you, “No, you’re not getting that pony.”? 

Perhaps you don’t yet realize that you’re spiritually and emotionally a 12 year-old girl.  This is because you have the self-reflective abilities of a 12 year-old girl.  Enjoy your ponies. 

7 Pillars of the Social Ironist Platform:

The Social Ironist Party shall be much, much hornier than any other political party.  I bet you wish you could attend our national convention. 

We shall make the American Dreamscape shinier, but more importantly we shall talk about making the American Dreamscape shinier. Our satire is guided by an underlying sense of morality.  While politics may be a total joke, the issues that face our communities are not.  That’s why we make friends with wonks who actually understand public policy, even though they lack “political” skills, like putting on nice suits and spouting out cheesy metaphor-lies that embody the American Spirit and make us all feel good about ourselves. 

We shall speak in highly poetic language, and verbally vanquish all who oppose us.

We shall be Creators of Truth, running the most entertaining, creative, guerilla campaigns in the history of the entire universe. 

The S.I.P shall give rise to an army of pundits who will type and shout sayings and words and slogans at the top of their lungs and keyboards.  What they say does not matter, as long as they drown out all the other pundits who also don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. 

We shall participate in the shameless self-promotion of Dave’s band, 2 Night Stand, because he created this party and therefore gets to use it for self-serving purposes.  Also, we shall elevate Holbrook to the status of a demi-god, because what’s the point in running for public office if people don’t worship you?  Later, there’s a good chance we’ll ask you to join our cult.  When this day comes, just join and don’t ask any questions.  God hates people who ask questions. 

We shall have 7 pillars, because the number 7 represents good luck and now that we have that we’ll win the election for sure.