Today I announce my resignation from the Sean Holbrook for Cincinnati City Council Campaign Staff.
Due to in-kind contribution limits that get in the way of potential Social Ironist Party corporate sponsorship deals, I am no longer associated with the Sean Holbrook campaign. I am, however, throwing my support behind a new candidate, a fictionalized cartoon character created by The M Graphics named Shawn W. Holbrook, pictured here:
Shawn W. Holbrook is not to be confused with real-life city council candidate Sean Holbrook, the larger-than-life, womanizing comedian who is also running for Cincinnati City Council. Also note that Sean is running on the Social Ironist Platform, which is an entirely different entity from the Social Ironist Party. The Social Ironist Party offers all candidates and advocacy groups the opportunity to express their views and get their message out through our unique multi-media infotainment marketing campaign. If Sean should decide to tag along with the Social Ironist Party’s extensive shameless promotional campaign, that is his right, as it is the right of all candidates running in this pony race for Cincinnati City Council.
Please note that campaign finance laws no longer apply to myself or the Social Ironist Party, and the Board of Elections no longer has any jurisdiction over any S.I.P activities. I’ll do what I want, bitches.
I missed the debate last night, but that shouldn’t stop me from getting involved in the post-debate punditry. Here goes: The dems are pretty much all the same with the exception of Kooch, who has the balls to stand up to the system despite being a tiny little elf of a man, and I say that with the utmost respect. I’m all about the fringe candidates.
Progressives and weird fuckers everywhere should infiltrate the Republican Party this election cycle to get Ron Paul through the primary. Perhaps the Social Ironist Party will lead the charge as we rewrite the rules of elections and become a case study in political science, guerilla marketing and creative performance art.
If that statement sounds arrogant, I offer you this poem:
Ego is Hungry
FEED ME says Ego,
dragging me to the weight room.
Now grunt like a madman,
look in the mirror and flex,
make veins pop out of your neck.
Yeah, those chicks want you,
you stud muffin.
I mute him before I crush myself
with the weights he says I can lift.
Fridays, during nap time,
his incessant bitching
drags me out of bed
like cartoons on a Saturday morning.
Shots, he says. Feed me booze.
I give him one to shut him up.
More, damnit. Quickly now,
I’m hungry.
You can handle it,
you’re a tough guy.
Count them, tell your friends
how many you’ve had,
tack on a few extras
as a license to pinch asses
and yell like a redneck
at a monster truck rally.
He’s just trying to excuse himself
when I make an ass out of myself.
We go out, and he leads the way.
Go for the hot girl, he insists.
I don’t care if she has the personality
of a urine stained wall,
she makes ME look sweet.
Libido agrees. I am outvoted.
************************************
I hope you like my poem. If not I’ll have you know that I turned this and maybe 12 others I whipped off in to Miami University and they paid me $25,000 to go to their grad school for poetry. Cha-Ching, bitches. I was in poetry for the money.
Did you know that the not-liking of a poem is enough to make some graduate students cry?
Not me though, because I’m an insensitive asshole. That’s why I got out of poetry and entered politics.
I have had a lot of people ask me, “Sean, how will speaking before the Rocky Horror Picture Show help your campaign?”
Ok, maybe not a lot of people, mostly my mom. BUT maybe I spoke before that show thinking not what was best for my campaign, but rather what is best for this country.
My moving speech brought a lot of people out of the woodwork, be them Democrat or Republican. During the show these Democratic and Republican leaders engaged in song, dance, and some good ole fashioned friendly debate. A lot of progress was made for our country, and one of these big time politicians even got involved in the show. (picture below)
SO THERE MOM, SHOVE THAT UP YOUR SELF RIGHTEOUS ASS. Your little boys a man now, a MAN now.
By the way mom, can you leave the door unlocked, I’ll be home late, and will you make spaghetti for dinner.
Sorry about the horrible lighting, a lot of the brightness was lost when uploading the video to youtube.
I will do my best to get a brighter copy online soon, But here is my speech from “Brokeback Cowboys and Indians Night” at the pre-show for the Rocky Horror picture show. Also here are some of the cast members and attendee’s from the night.
I would like to thank the Denton Affair for inviting me to speak, it was a fun night.
Dave was too busy being a rock god to attend, that’s what happens when you are the page 8 story in the brand spanking new Cincinnati Beacon Newspaper, pick up a copy around town, or visit us in Northside June 9th and 10th at the Pride Festival and pick up a copy at the Holbrook For Council booth.
I have been playing it low key lately, staying out of the public eye as much as possible. Sitting alone in my room plotting and resting, much like a bear hibernating for the winter.
I have been storing up energy for today, June 1st. Today, the day that I officially start on the campaign trail, a trail that will lead me into ALL Cincinnati neighborhoods. I am going to act as a high speed human colonic, waking city residents up to the truth, of what the ultra-wealthy have done to the cities poorest and weakest residents.
Im going to give it my all to flush the shit out of Cincinnati’s local government, with the help of Dave’s guitar skills and de-virginizing smile.
Saturday June 2, I will be giving a historical speech to an audience at the Esquire Theatre at 11:55 pm.
I’ve had a few good talks with the legendary Naked Cowboy, and I’m pleased to announce that he is now a Social Ironist Party supporter. Naked has the vision to recognize our party platform for it’s true essence: the highest level of truth and honesty obtainable in politics. You see, we recognize the fact that politics are driven by ego and a personal quest for power, fame, and fortune. Other politicians will try to pass themselves off as “public servants” as they discreetly peddle influence to the highest bidder. Not us. We’re also selling political influence to corporate sponsors, but we’re going to make it worth their while by getting them more coverage and brand awareness than Ronald McDonald on meth. The S.I.P coupe will go down in history as a case study in creative writing, performance art, guerilla marketing and political science. We’re bringing self-reflection into the system, and I assure you it will never be the same.
While the details of our partnership are still in the works, the possibilities are endless: an added element of S.I.P political docu-drama-comedy on Naked Cowboy reality TV? Fundraising Dinner Entertainment Extravaganza Campaign Events, benefiting our partner charities as we become the most celebrated philanthropists of all time? A 2008 presidential campaign?
Lines and boundaries are meant to be crossed, and we look forward to stomping all over them with the Naked Cowboy’s larger-than life sized boots. You can check out his impressive array of work and talents at www.nakedcowboy.com .
The Social Ironist Party would like to take this opportunity to call on all war veterans to please donate their purple hearts, silver stars, and any other military decorations to candidate Holbrook so we can pin them to his chest and make him a hero to the voting public. Your support and service to Candidate Holbrook are greatlly appreciated.
Also, make sure you link this blog and send it to all your friends, in the hopes that it will reach Ann Coulter, who will then agree to have dirty, dirty sex with me, The Singing Press Secretary. Thank God for the 6 degrees of separation.
Now that we’ve made it big, with front page coverage at media powerhouse The Cincinnati Beacon, it’s probably a good time to clear up exactly what it is we stand for, for both our loyal followers and for those of you who are too stupid to get our humor.
I bring you the The Social Ironist Party Platform, revised from it’s original posting 2 months ago.
The S.I.P
No one embodies the current American political climate like the Social Ironist Party. Elections are about anything but the issues, which works out great for us, because we have good hair, and we speak in highly poetic sounding metaphors. The media wants to report on gaffes and sex scandals, so we’ll give it to them. In fact, our campaigns will be based on gaffes and sex scandals. The Social Ironist Party recognizes elections for what they are: ridiculous circuses. We deal with them accordingly.
Phonetically speaking, Ideologies begin by addressing their followers (idiots.) Are you a Liberal? A Conservative? Stop. You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. With partisan-hack talking bobble-head dolls on both sides mindlessly flapping their jaws and twisting the facts so their little political football teams can win, who can you even trust anymore? The answer, of course, is the Social Ironist Party. Everything we do and say is honest, because I’m telling you right here that it isn’t, which thereby makes it true in a circularly-logical, meta-reflective sense. I told you we embody the current American political climate.
Why the Pony???
Republicans, the party of cash and Jesus, are symbolized by an elephant. The Democrats, who push pencils and create non-binding resolutions, have a donkey. No one really knows what either animal represents.
The Social Ironist Party refuses to make the same mistake: our party animal is the pony, because ponies are the most beautiful, pure, and innocent creature on God’s otherwise dreary and mistake filled earth. Ponies symbolize the fact that America is essentially a nation of 12 year old girls.
“But”, you say, “I’m a 40 year old construction worker!”
We’re sure that you are. That’s your right as an American. Still, that doesn’t make you any less of a 12 year old girl. Perhaps it isn’t an actual, physical pony that you want (we’re using symbolism here, remember?) - maybe it’s a boat, or new shoes, or rims for your pickup truck, or a 6 carat diamond ring. The point is that you’ll work a job you hate just so you can afford it, and when you finally do get your pony it will chew up your lawn and kick you in the head. You’ll spend your time cleaning up pony poop and you’ll spend your money on oats and horseshoes and a brand new stable. Where was Daddy to tell you, “No, you’re not getting that pony.”?
Perhaps you don’t yet realize that you’re spiritually and emotionally a 12 year-old girl. This is because you have the self-reflective abilities of a 12 year-old girl. Enjoy your ponies.
7 Pillars of the Social Ironist Platform:
The Social Ironist Party shall be much, much hornier than any other political party. You only wish you could attend our National Convention. Because politics is an art form filled with money grubbing whores, we shall be the biggest, dirtiest, greediest money grubbing whores of all time, which is ok because we’re ironically self-reflective about it.
We shall make the American Dreamscape shinier, but more importantly we shall talk about making the American Dreamscape shinier. Our satire is guided by an underlying sense of morality. While politics may be a total joke, the issues that face our communities are not. That’s why we make friends with wonks who actually understand public policy, despite lacking “political” skills, like wearing nice suits, sucking up to people with money, spouting out cheesy metaphor-lies that embody the American Spirit and make us all feel good about ourselves, etc. Thusly, we will bring about realistic solutions that make the American Dreamscape shinier.
We shall speak in highly poetic language, and verbally vanquish all who oppose us, all while wearing nice suits and having good hair, or at least a straw hat and aviator glasses.
We shall be Creators of Truth, running the most entertaining, creative, guerilla-cowboy campaigns in the history of the entire universe.
The S.I.P shall give rise to an army of pundits who will type and shout sayings and words and slogans at the top of their lungs and keyboards. What they say does not matter, as long as they drown out all the other pundits who also don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.
We shall shamelessly promote and advertise things including but not limited to: our corporate sponsors, ourselves, our campaign entertainment extravaganza fundraising dinner events, and Dave’s band, 2 Night Stand (http://www.2nightstandband.com) because he created this party and therefore gets to use it for self-serving purposes. Also, we shall elevate Holbrook to the status of a demi-god, because what’s the point in running for public office if people don’t worship you? Later, there’s a good chance we’ll ask you to join our cult. When this day comes, just join and don’t ask any questions. God hates people who ask questions.
We shall have 7 pillars, because the number 7 represents good luck and now that we have that we’ll win the election for sure.
I just got a bid from Cincinnati’s coolest political frat, the Charter Party! They cashed my $25 check, which means I’m in!!!!!! I intend to get my money’s worth; a full on S.I.P takeover may be in order. We encourage all freaks, miscreants and weird fuckers to also join the Charter Party - simply drop off a $25 check to their office at 811 Race St.
I will continue to lobby on behalf of The Dean, our kindly blog host, even though he still hasn’t put up my Google ad words or my online merchandise shop (buy your S.I.P Pony thongs here, ladies! www.cafepress.com/socialironist ), causing me to miss out on revenue generating opportunities as we speak. You see, when the Dean applied for Charter Fraternity membership, they decided he wasn’t cool enough so they dinged him. I’m going to get the Dean in, because helping the less cool is something I do as a part of my charity work, which is going to get me a higher seat in heaven than all you fuckers.
Like most Greek organizations, I assume that Charter will appreciate it when we show up at their office with our guitars and video crew to serenade them. I’ll admit I’m a bit worried about pledging - Jeff Cramerding is their pledge instructor, and with a name like that you’ll never what kind of twisted hazing rituals he has up his sleaves. God I hope they don’t make me go down into their top secret basement to undergo a series of trials, which they call the Carmerdamner, or maybe the Cramerdammerdingdanginator.
You’ll never know what’s going on in there unless you’re in- Charter has some a secretive tendencies, despite their core mission of promoting open, honest, and transparent government. That’s the center of the little tif they have going with The Dean.
As a branding and marketing guy, allow me to make a few suggestions to my friends at Charter to help get them through their current image problems:
1: Revise your Mission Statement - We all know that ideals like “open and honest government” are ridiculous and unobtainable. Let’s shoot for something more releastic here, like “we will hold meetings and hit the desk with our little wooden gavel” or “we will properly address and stamp our fundraising request letters.”
2: Rename “the Charter Party” to “the Nihilism Party” - you don’t have to worry about contradicting all your beliefs if you don’t have any.
3: Stock up on some Nice & Soft Kroeger Brand toilet paper, instead of wiping your asses with your own mission statement.
It is my goal to be able to smile like Irianian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He exudes the easy going air of self-righteous confidence that can only come from knowing with 100% certainty that God is on his side, that his mission is sacred, and that in the end after the nukes go off, he’ll be sitting in heaven sipping wine with the virgins. It doesn’t matter what kind of crazy shit you believe in, with the right kind of smile the mindless sheep we call “the voting public” will follow you off a cliff.
Holbrook and the S.I.P have this kind of charisma, and we’re the first to admit that the extreme level of our All-American-Dreamboatness could be dangerous if used for the wrong purposes. Fortunately, we’ve enlisted policy wonks to help us develop a realistic campaign platform that will move Cincinnati forward and help the city pull its metaphorical head out of its metaphorical ass. Details on the platform are still in development, but it is likely to be based around empowering socially conscious entrepreneurs, promoting green/sustainable development, improving the health care system (a key issue for male nurse Holbrook), and removing bureacratic red tape and inefficiencies, because there’s nothing I hate more than soulless, government-fattened pencil pushers. I swear to God there is a conspiracy of people out there who create unnecessary work, require ridiculous forms, and complicate governmental processes while contributing nothing to society just so they can create jobs for their minions and feed their rapidly growing armies of bureacratic parasites. The S.I.P stands against these types of people, which could prove dangerous, as caged animals tend to get defensive when you threaten their jobs.
Anyway, if there are any other issues you feel we should consider adding to our campaign platform, be sure to let us know at any time. Rest assured, we won’t let our new foray into policy detract from our hair and smiles - we still understand that there are still the real keys to politics, and we’d like corporate America to know that we’re in the market for both a hair gel company and a teeth whitening product to serve as corporate sponsors.
In other news, someone on Myspace took issue with my recent post about the death of the esteemed and distinguished Reverend Falwell. This person sent me the following comment:
We all have our freedom of speech.
But there is also this thing called respect, especially for someone who has passed.
This one crossed the line for me.
See ya.
I thanked her for her comment, which is what you do in politics to appear polite, buy time, and lull your enemy’s defenses to sleep.
Now might I add: Yes, there is such a thing as respect. Speaking of which, Jerry Falwell took the good message of Jesus Christ and wiped his ass all over it by exploiting Christianity for financial and political gain.
And for that, he’s a hero in my book. So again, rest in peace, Jerry. Jesus caused your whale-sized blubber filled heart to give out because he loves you. Now you’ve joined him up in heaven, and all that I ask, Jerry, is that you please don’t drop any crumbs or spill any b-b-q sauce down on us from the 24 hour buffet table you’re feasting away at.
I’m heartbroken to learn that great American televangelist Jerry Falwell passed away today.
Stay strong, America! Don’t worry, soon another self-righteous blowhard will come along to get rich off of instilling the fear of hell into ignorant people while using religion for political manipulation.
I’m not a betting man, because Falwell taught me that gambling is immoral, but if I were I’d put my money on a full blown Falwell resurection. A road trip to Lynchburg for the funeral may be in order - even if I don’t get to witness Jerry rising from the grave, I can still get in one last good-luck flick of the chicken goblet of fat that hangs off his neck.
I assure you that Candidate Holbrook’s sex life will make for an intriguing political docu-drama. Whether or not he may or may not have had sexual relations with those women is really dependent on the woman in question. From the corn fed skanks of Hamilton to the teenage emo princesses of Indian Hill, there’s a good chance that Sean Holbrook has, or will soon, get in their panties, most likely in the back seat of his 1988 Ford Tempo.
Do you hear that, wealthy fathers of Indian Hill? Your daughters are in jeopardy...unless you’d like to contribute to the Social Ironist Party, in which case your daughter will be granted immunity from the raging Holbrook-o-mania Sex Machine. Seriously, there’s a donation button below - I know it’s kind of subtle and hard to find, but don’t worry! Soon we’ll have sparkling, Red White and Blue donation buttons covering our page so prominently that even the biggest, blindest idiot in all of Indiana could find it. In the meantime, show us how smart you are by locating the donation link we do have and pouring some cash into it, so we can make our movie instead of inpregnating your daughters.
Lately I have been busy setting up contacts, researching, and networking for the campaign. When I have been able to spend time on potential voters, it has been mostly on female voters. Now fellows don’t think I have been ignoring you or that I don’t care, because deep down I care about all voters. To prove to the male constituents my level of care and concern for them, I am going to share a little bit of knowledge with them. Ladies you may excuse yourselves now.
In this modern world it seems everyone is obsessed with money. You will hear much talk about investing, the basic advice being to, “Buy low, sell high.” Everyone wants to talk about financial investing, but how often does someone give you advice on sexual investing. Well fellows today is your lucky day, Im going to teach you the skills you need to upgrade from bargain basement skanks to 5th Avenue hussies.
First rule (Marry high, Bang low)
We all want to go home with that perfect 10, you know that chick out there somewhere who looks like Angelina Jolie, cooks like mom, and doesn’t mind the fact that you still live in your parents garage.
I see it every weekend, guys going out with ridiculous standards who end up going home alone at 2AM angry at themselves with a raging hard-on. When it could have been avoided with a little sexual investing.
The first lesson you need to learn is that if you want that perfect 10 you are going to have to learn to forgive yourself, and be ready for a little humility.
It’s okay to bang a nasty girl every one in a while. You don’t have to marry her, just think of her as practice and a little bit of contrast for when that perfect 10 does come around. Use these girls as practice for when the 10 does come around, because if you can get the perfect 10 back to mom and pops garage, and into your stained futon you are going to need some serious skills to keep her, Learn these skills from the skanks, and treat them like ladies for it.
So the next time a beastly girl comes up to you, don’t shoot her down, be nice. Hell… buy her a drink, tell her how pretty she is (lie), take her home, bang her, then cry yourself to sleep. In the morning burn her number and your sheets, and get ready to take some shit from your friends. Cause nasty girls are like mopeds, they are fun to ride, until someone you know see’s you riding one.
Rule 2 (Always get your money back)
After you tell your not-so hottie, that she can use the bathroom in the house but to be quiet because your parents are sleeping. Rummage through her purse and take out some money. Now Im not saying to rob her completely, just enough to cover the drinks you bought for her and maybe to help with your therapist bill. But ALWAYS leave enough for cab fare home. Also don’t eat any gum or mints she may have laying in her purse, no matter how tasty they may look.
Rule 3 (The Chart)
(Coming Soon)
The Chart is a highly scientific system I have developed over time, That plots a line graph using the time of day and your personal standards. It shows a man, just how low he is allowed to go without losing the respect of society and himself.
Hopefully this is somewhat handy, and begins to show you that investing yourself (literally) into women below your standards can pay off in the long-run.
FYI
If you get a clinger, who can’t take a hint that it’s time to leave. Here is a trick I used during my romancing days.
Keep a jar of gasoline handy by the bed, when the clinger wont leave throw the gas on her. In her confusion use the time to light a cigarette. Then turn towards her and ask for a hug. Slowly inch towards her for that hug as she stares blankly at you in disbelief. It shouldn’t take long for ol’ tons of fun to leave
The Social Ironist Party is pleased to welcome a new addition to our campaign staff. His name is The Ringer. We’ll only bring him out when we really really really need to win an argument. When this time comes, he shall come out and argue you into a metaphorical chokehold before retreating to his mysterious hide out. Meanwhile, Holbrook and I can focus on what we do best, which is playing mini golf and eating jelly beans.
In other news, I dropped off my membership check with Joan at the Charter Party today. (Yeah, I know, I said I’d do it a month ago, but you’ve got to understand that this universe runs on my time, and as far as I’m concerned, pretty much revolves around me. If you don’t believe me, I have a poem that proves it.) Now I’m anxiously awaiting their response.... am I cool enough to be a Charterite? We’ll find out soon. If I don’t get an acceptance letter by 9 a.m. tomorrow I may have to start an angry letter writing campaign, because I refuse to put up with their slothfulness. When I want an answer, I want my answer now, goddamn it, cuz I’m an American and Americans have the right to get whatever we want, when we want it.
9 more inalienable truths like this and I’ve got a brand new bill of rights just for you, you lucky, lucky children!
Oh yeah - 2 Night Stand show tomorrow (Friday May 11) at East End Cafe in Columbia-Tusculum. Check out our tunes at http://www.2nightstandband.com
